Yes, This Is How I Feel
Forgive me, whatever blog readers are out there, for I have sinned.
It's been seventeen days since my last post.
And that ain't all; I've only run once in the last ten days. And I've made fewer meetings in the last month than any month I've been alive.
Most of that is just work.
I've been working till late bedtimes and then waking up three hours later worried about work, so I'd crank up the computer. I've worked longer hours on weekends than I used to work on weekdays.
As a result, if I were to paint a self-portrait right now, it would look like this:
Now, long term readers (both of you) might recall this pic of a Tennessee fan during the Alabama game of 2010: these two HAVE to be related. Or maybe it's one of those time-travel things.
(N.B. the above pic is from a romantic comedy titled "Morning Glory" - Ethel's been force-feeding me romantic comedies lately. I'm so tired and moody that it just makes sense to watch them - obviously, my job has cost me my manhood. Gimme two more weeks and I'll be watching "Beaches" while crying in my chocolate)
I say that this is the result of "work". However (as I stated on FB) you can't really call it work, since anybody with freshman physics can tell you
W=fdi.e., "work equals the force expended times the distance of movement" - which means that, no matter how much force you expend, if there's no forward progress, there is no work. Only fatigue and frustration. You don't get credit for fatigue and frustration; you just get credit for work.
We're back in Arizona now for the holidays. Those of you who know Ethel know that being anywhere for any length of time means that she has to buy a condo there (it's a federal law; it's not just a state thing). And so she has - she has got an offer made and accepted on a much larger unit at Cascade Village across the parking lot from us - but "across the parking lot" means majestic views of the Needles Mountains rather than our current pleasant view up the ridgeline to Cascade Divide.
But I'm not sold on buying; my work is so discombobulated that I have no idea if I'm going to have a job four months from now. Thus, buying a place in the mountains - when I might not be able to telecommute anymore, because I'll be working at Joe's Software Emporium, and Joe's probably won't pay enough for me to pay for my Arizona home and a Colorado home too.
So I got up this morning and was working before 7 (which is a late start for me - but I was working late last night - no, wait. I wasn't. Ethel made me watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes of the Big Brains of the San Francisco Bay) and I have no end in sight tonight (I'm still in my pajamas). And, lately, when I have stopped working, then I've started studying.
I do not understand this, in truth. I have never had this much trouble catching up; I've never had this much trouble fitting in. I feel like I've become a ball and chain to the other team members; as though they don't want to hear from me. For a guy like me, that's tough. But let's face it - not everybody is going to like me.1
Okay, so far, I've failed. But I'm still trying. There's no virtue in that; I simply do not know how to stop trying. I've tweaked my MCL in a pretty spectacular ski fall, which means that I've stopped running and have only been doing limited skiing; that all translates to more time for work. I'll wander away from my desk, and then think "wait a minute - maybe that would work this way" and back I go to mouse and keyboard.
So now I feel like that guy in that picture above looks. And I don't think either of us are happy about it : )
1that's not a reflexive statement; the quite honest truth is that I like everybody. I realized some years ago that I really do like everybody; when I start to think that I don't like somebody, then I will find out that I've begun to suspect that they don't like me, and thus I have to go ahead and dislike them to prove them wrong, pre-emptively. It's not easy being me, and I wish somebody else would take the job.
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