Five Years
This morning I ran from 24Hour Fitness on Scott$dale Road to the bathrooms at Sereno Park in north Scott$dale:
I've been running this route for five years now, and I'm five years older, five years slower, and five years more discouraged.
Not that nice things haven't happened for me in the last five years. For instance, my eldest son Floyd moved out to Phoenix from Alabama, brought his girlfriend along, and produced the World's Ugliest Baby - they're raising him in Sun City. My youngest son graduated from high school and started college. We bought the Chocolate House in New River and now Ethel's put in a pool. And there's that little condo up in Durango, the very existence of which gives me hope that some day I might live in the mountains again.
But mostly I just get discouraged - my physical plant continues to wear down (this is called "age"), retirement keeps looking farther and farther away, I seem to have reached the limits in what I can contribute or produce as an employee, I seem to be suffering from long-term anhedonia (which is NOT a BB King song) and I keep getting slower and slower.
I also have been getting more and more concerned with my upcoming translation to the ethereal plane - as I get physically weaker, my mortality becomes more and more apparent to me. It occurred to me this morning - one thing that you can learn from living a long time is just how short life is.
Most of my malaise stems, not just from a change of circumstance, but from the belief (as a result of those circumstances) that, prior to my leaving Utah, I must have lost any effective contact with God As I Understand Him, else I would not have made the decision to leave Utah. Succeeding changes of circumstances have strengthened that notion, making it my operating hypothesis.
However, there's this about generating hypotheses - if they don't work, then you have to dump them. If I think that gravity makes heavier things fall quicker, then I should be able to use that information to predict phenomena; when my predictions fail, I have to recheck my theory. When the big rock and the little rock hit the ground at the same time, I'm bound by honesty to say "Okay, maybe I was wrong".
Believing that I've managed to derail God's Will for my life hasn't helped me get my life back on track. No amount of prayer (that I've been able to generate; I'm willing to believe that perhaps much more prayer would have worked) has gotten me back in line with that feeling of being in line with God's Will.
But friends and family tell me - in fact, they assure me - that my coming to Arizona was, indeed, part of His plan (how they can feel so certain about something so vague, confuses me - that they can be so sure of Divine Guidance in a series of events which have caused me so much distress leaves me wondering about their motives : ) The fact that my operating under the opposite notion has not allowed me to improve the situation at least allows for the possibility that I might, indeed, be wrong - that maybe, though my befuddled confusion, He was actually able to guide me where He wanted me to be all along.
The strongest evidence in favor of this theory is just this - that I find it almost impossible to say it out loud. When I type "God may have wanted me in Arizona all along" something inside resists, and I want to follow that statement with a joke or sarcastic remark showing how unlikely I believe it to be. That response smells like self-will, and (as St. Cindy told me back in Copperas Cove, TX) sometimes the best way to try to do God's will is just to do the opposite of what self-will wants me to do.
I've made many abortive attempts over these years to realign my beliefs. Based on the following fact:
* I asked God what He wanted me to do many times before I moved here.
* I moved here.
* I've asked God every day since then for knowledge of His Will for me and the power to carry that out.
* I'm still here.
Given the above, I'm forced to assume that, either I'm supposed to be here, or God doesn't respond to requests for guidance, knowledge and strength.
If that's the case, then I'm in big trouble. I have to believe otherwise, or jump off a tall bridge - and we don't have any tall bridges in Phoenix.
So I'll state that, as a logical necessity, I must be where I'm supposed to be. The fact that the voice inside me argues as soon as I say that can't be taken to mean that it's not true - in fact, as stated above, I'll have to take that as evidence of the truth of the proposition.
But it's still danged uncomfortable.
If you turned in tighter circles you'd be inside out.
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Back in '95, while leaning on a corral gate, watching very cold snow blow through the bleak and eery light of a Canadian sunset, I gave up. My fourth marriage had come to an inglorious end and I was faced, once again, with an uncertain future. It was at that moment that I had my first earnest chat with God. "I've tried for forty years to get it right," I said, "and I've yet to succeed. Now it's your turn." Fortunately, He accepted. Since then my life has been one "Wow" after another. But thats not to say the events have been spectacular, or that I've agreed with every decision He's made. Most, in fact, have been rather drab and not understood or appreciated until, in retrospect, the woof and weave of His fabric became apparent. Since then I do my best to remain calm and attentive as I await with expectation the next clue that He's still in charge. It ain't often easy, but its always been worth the price of admission.
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Thank for this reply, Blue.
I did the same thing on 4 May, 1985, and for twenty years my life got better - visibly better, circumstantially better, geographically better, financially better.
Then, in 2005, I made decisions that didn't turn out nearly as much fun as what I'd been getting for those first twenty years, and it's thrown me for a loop for the last five years.
I've not yet seen warp and woof of His patterns- but that may be because I haven't been looking. I've been looking at (for?) all of the evidence to the contrary. It's time to get some new glasses.
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... perhaps He's trying to redirect you and His intent or purpose is not yet apparent because you're hanging on too tight to what might have been.
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I am reminded of the 45th Principle of Miracles: A miracle is never lost. It may touch many people you have not even met, and produce undreamed of changes in situations of which you are not even aware.--- Could be you are simply too close in to see the larger picture in which the purpose of your current assignment would be more obvious.
(Haven't we had this conversation already?) :-)
Alan
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At the risk of exposing one of the great truths of the world, I shall deign to inform you of God's Will.
I think I qualify as the person who was most vehemently against you moving to Phoenix. As far as I am concerned, everything south of Sedona are useless to humanity and a blight upon the planet.
Whereas Park City is God's Country.
MY will was for you to stay in Utah, maintain my ski house for my visits (which I generously allowed you to use in my abscence), and serve as my foil anytime I wanted to tweak a right wing, Big Book thumping Bama fan.
I have discovered over the years that when I really, really want someone to do exactly what I want, they do the opposite. This is known as God's Will.
It is all my fault. I should have prayed that you moved to Phoenix, and I would still have my ski house.
God hates me.
ps: I turn 58 on 6/3. Played three sets of tennis yesterday. My shoulders and elbow ache, my left achilles is moaning, and my back hurts. I could not run five miles if my life depended on it.
Quit your bitchin, youngun.
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Jim,
Move to NJ....the issue(s) you are having now wlll seem like childsplay....lol...btw what are your issues again? (in 25 words or less please)..
Rocco
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I think it is from the movie "the Unsinkable Molly Brown", that scene in the lifeboats when the Titanic is going down and one woman starts to get hysterical, the other one (molly?) gives her a brisk smack on the face to stiffen her spine a bit.
I never know when is the right time to do the smacking. (or when I might need a smack myself).
I confess I also miss living in the mountains. But it was killing my wife, near as we can tell. So to sit and moan about it now is akin to wishing she was dead and that's a smack if there ever was one. I still moan a bit but try to keep it lighthearted.
So I'll live in the deep south where any trip outdoors means to be wrung like a sponge.
Old Fat Charlie will have to decide if he needs a smack or if he is just doing a little healthy venting. If Mrs. Archangel starts to take his pining seriously maybe she'll know when to administer the real thing.
Maybe if she hits him hard enough it will feel like a Word from God.
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Well, nobody was dying from living in Park City. We just had it too good, too long, and forget how good we had it.
I don't know what "healthy venting" is - I'm not sure that I believe in the concept. I do know that it feels like every day since I left PC has been wasted - that my life is still going on there, and I'm missing it.
Ethel, of the sunny disposition, doesn't see it that way, and since I'd rather be married to Ethel than be happy (assuming that they aren't mutually exclusive) I'm still in Arizona. I'm willing to suspect that this set of circumstances might be His Will for me, but I sure do wish that He'd give me some sort of indication about that.
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Well it's obvious Job.
We all know that God rewards those who do good and he punishes those who do evil. You must have committed a terrible sin so God is punishing you. If you would repent things would instantly get much better. Relief is at hand, just confess your error and start walking the right path.
I don't know why you find this so difficult. Straighten up and things will go well for you.
It is simple. Cause and effect. You've slipped off of the path and you are paying the consequences. Get back on the right road and all will be well.
Your Friend,
Bildad
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Job, I agree with Bildad.
Your past life is finally catching up with you. I know that you've changed these past few years. But does God ever really forget our errors?
I don't know anyone who truly suffers unjustly. Everything is the outcome of our choices and mistakes.
If you are sad or depressed it is because you are now reaping the fruit of wild oats sown long ago.
If someone smokes, they get cancer. Maybe they don't get it for a long time but eventually it catches up with them.
I don't think God is punishing you. I think that bad things are a natural outcome of the bad decisions we have made. Since you are experiencing bad things you must have made some very bad decisions.
I hope you can turn this around, but it may be too late.
Your Friend
Zophar
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Job, I think the others have it wrong.
Sometimes the righteous suffer. God works in mysterious ways and he is doing something.
And you are wrong to question him about your circumstances. You should continue on faithfully and submit to the circumstances he has put upon you.
I'd like to help you Job, but I think you are intent on looking for an escape hatch. Buckle down and work on the tasks that have been set before you.
I'm sure if you are in difficult circumstances it is for a reason, maybe to build up your character or to equip you for some future task. Buck up!
Your Friend
Elihu
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Elihu -
You and your buddies all seem to be way overplaying your hands : )
Know ahead of time that, yes, I actually DO believe that we, alone, are responsible for our lives - they are the results of our choices and thoughts (including the subconscious ones).
And I do believe that He does, indeed, take us down paths that we wouldn't rather go down - but that that happens as a result of our making a choice to give it over to Him.
And I also believe that we are capable of misreading His intentions - anything else implies that an attempt to "ask for knowledge of His will for us, and the power to carry it out" is a meaningless phrase; if I can't misread His intentions, then the default action would "be doing His will".
My current circumstances are only unpleasant by comparison to my previous - it's that very comparison, however, that tortures me, and leaves me wondering when/how/if I took a wrong turn, and how/if I can get back on the path.
Thanks for playing. Please take our home game edition as a consolation prize!
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5 years, how long Jimpuckett will leave this post without updating it. :-(
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