He's Raised The Bar
Once upon a time, it was enough for me to be a faithful husband, earning a good living, being kind and loving with my wife, raising our son, doing chores around the house and staying sane and sober.
But now the Old Spice Man has raised the bar.
Not only am I supposed to do all of those things, but now I'm supposed to be a tall black man with a perfect body and perfect teeth - and hair! I might could manage the first three (We Pucketts have some Afro in our lineage) but I'll never pull off the hair part.
I haven't actually seen the ad itself - since college football is over, the only TV I see is what's on the monitors at the gym - but I have, indeed, seen the ad being shown over and over again on various morning shows (and it's being shown as a news item - now I know that the media is in cahoots : ) so I've just about memorized the whole thing (no, I don't HEAR the ad, but the monitors are CC enabled, and I can read : )
You can say "no, Jim, you're not supposed to be just like him" but the guy makes the comparison, and makes it plain - "Ladies, look at your man - now look at me - now look at your man - now look at me....". I don't know what happens at YOUR house, but, based on what I see when I look in the mirror, my wife would never even make it to the second "now look at your man".(I'm making that as an assumption based on no data - I won't include in my calculations the fact that my wife keeps watching that ad, over and over, on YouTube. And I won't mention that, when she's watching that ad, and he says "Look at me" she looks at him - when he says "Now look at your man" she ignores that instruction : )
No reason for her to look at her man, really - I'm just a feeble, 51 year old bald white dude.
I say that - "I'm just a feeble, 51 year old bald white dude" - but I don't really BELIEVE it. I'm still surprised, every time I see a mirror - where did THAT guy come from? In my dreams, I never see myself as 51 years old - the person that I am in my dreams is probably right around 30 or so. And - even though I've been shaving my head for the last five years - the guy in my dreams has hair.
Dreams are funny that way - in some ways, I think, dreams are completely irrational, but in others, they show us what we really believe; our (forgive the term) unconscious assumptions about the world that we live in. I've never convinced my unconscious side that my father is dead - in my dreams, Dad is still quite alive, and is still full of funny opinions and advice.
As I've pointed out before in these pages, I'm a recovered alky and compulsive overeater, and I'm also an ex-smoker. And since I've worked the Twelve Steps on two of those things (I quit smoking cold turkey, no meetings or anything) my unconscious understands that I'm recovered from the drinking and overeating. Those problems simply don't exist anymore for me.
So, in my dreams, whenever I'm overeating or drinking, I'm able to say to myself "whups - I've recovered from this. This isn't really happening - therefore, this must be a dream. I think I'll change dreams" and that takes care of it.
But when I am smoking in my dreams, not only am I "really" smoking, but I'm also CERTAIN that I've been smoking for the past 19 years, and that nobody has caught me; in my DREAMS, I still smoke. And I'm still 30 years old, with hair.
I wonder if this is some form of arrested development?
At any rate - when folks have asked me in the gym "why do you work out so hard?" I tell 'em "I'm trying to attract a mate". When they say "But you're already married", I say "Yeah - that's the mate that I'm trying to attract".
Well, now, I can see that, if I wanna keep Ethel's attention, not only will my fitness work have to increase exponentially, I'm also gonna have to do some serious tanning. And join the Hair Club for Men. And get a Scottsdale cosmetic dentist.
Or maybe I'll just buy some Old Spice.
Hey, I read in SI that that guy's name is something like Mustafa and he played football at ASU. Tried a stint in the NFL with the Seahawks, but got cut. Not to get you all insecure or anything, but since he went to ASU, he and Kim may have met in a Safeway or Walmart, and instead of Chad the Porsche salesman, she's actually gonna leave you for Mustafa the horseback riding football player.
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The saucy hand on the hip gives away this man's man proclivities and preferences.
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Yes Blue, I caught that too! Besides, no real man EVER wants to go to "that thing we love", thus, would not buy tickets. Jimpuckett has already showered me with diamonds and I'm not a horse person. Didn't care for sailing, so I'll stick with my jungle stud and his amazing skiing!
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