Three Thousand Calories
...in a little, bitty bowl.
Yesterday was Ethel's fiftieth birthday (yay Ethel!). My beloved has hit the half-century mark - not yet eligible for membership in the AARP, but she can (as I understand it) buy the Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's for a buck ninety-nine (although a search of Denny's menu, online, shows no single "Grand Slam", but a bunch of Slams - Lumberjack Slam, French Toast Slam and All-American Slam).
We normally don't pay much attention to birthdays at our house, but for some reason, Ethel wanted to make this one memorable in some way, so she asked for dinner ("Fix me dinner or burn forever in Hell - and make me a cake, too!") so Silas and I managed to whup up a tasty dinner of grilled chicken breast, baby carrots, and salad.
The cake, however, was another matter. I'd never made a cake, so Ethel gave me some hints ("Hey, stoopid! There's a box cake in the pantry. The PANTRY!...that big closet over there?....okay, and to make the frosting, just read this recipe right here, on page 119 in the checkered cookbook - no, the CHECKERED cookbook...")
After a quick check determined that it wasn't the checkered cookbook, or page 119, we were able to find the frosting recipe that she wanted.
It was terrifying.
The small mixing bowl, above, contains the frosting for this small cake the frosting that, all by itself, is over THREE THOUSAND CALORIES.
Yes, you read that right.
After we spread this onto the two 2x8 inch layers of cake (with a bit in between) the total came to just under 6400 calories.
I did something wrong while making the frosting - I don't know what - but it was a little too liquid to spread just right. You'd think anything with that much fat in it would stand up on its own - but maybe that's the problem. Maybe the frosting, itself, had a heart attack.
But I managed to glop it on in a manner that covered most of the actual cake:
This was the ugliest cake I've ever seen - it sort of looked like one of Ripley's Aliens had stood over it for a while and just dribbled slime on top - chocolate Alien slime - with a sort of sandy grit mixed in.
Ethel said that the cake was beautiful. Then she took a bite and she thought that it tasted great.
Then I told her that her slice of cake (a one-eighth slice) contained 800 calories all by itself.
Nobody's eaten any cake since then; last I saw, she was shoving it all into a little bitty Tupperware box and hiding it behind the rat poison and Drano.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ETHEL!
UPDATE(added 29 July) - I forgot to mention; when it was time for Ethel to cut the cake (we didn't light it up, as we didn't have anywhere near that many candles, and Ethel refused my offer of a highway flare) Silas and I sang "Oh Death" from "O Brother Where Art Thou", and followed that up with "You Gots To Go To The Lonesome Valley".
Happy Birthday, Kim, and many more!
Oh, and, by the way, AARP membership eligibility does indeed begin at age
fifty. I received my very own AARP card just a year or so ago when I hit the magic half century number.
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Thank YOU allen. I feel SOOOO much better now. :-) Anyway, as my himp loves to hear, 50 is the new 30. ;-)
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Happy Birthday Ethel/Kim.
If you want a birthday cake that doesn't come from a box, come visit us in Vermont and I'll make you one. But, I won't promise it will be low in calories.
Damon
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KimEthel,
Happy Fiftyith!! Mine is coming up next Spring on Friday the 13th! HA How cool is that! I hope you had fun with your 1/2 Century mark. :)
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Why did you feed this to me right before I had to sit and do nothing for a week? I can feel my waistline expanding even as I type.
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I didn't "feed it to you" - you ATE IT.
I'm glad we had this little talk.
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if I didn't eat it, I would have gotten grief from you because you would think I didn't like it and grief from her about the fact that I wouldn't touch her birthday cake and it's very good SO EAT IT RIGHT NOW yes ma'am.
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Even though the frosting looks lumpy....the cake still looks very good. I'd of had a piece. :)
And, Silas - you sound so grown up. someday maybe I'll make it down to visit. February 'feels' like a good time! :)
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February does indeed feel good - the weather is almost perfect, but it can get pretty cold at the bottom of those washes at 5 in the morning. It makes riding to work rather interesting. I will be riding along, perfectly comfortable, and dip down into a wash and come out with my eyebrows frozen.
(The above is an exaggeration - but only barely.)
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