"Such an appalling lack of proportion...."
People say to me all the time, they say "Jim, why do you wish that you had a normal family?"
Here's an example: today, while I was at work, Ethel called me - Silas had been stung by a scorpion, and she was rushing him to Wal-Mart.
Now, you or I might think that, if it were a medical emergency, then you would take him to the emergency room, or at least to Urgent Care - but, as I've noticed for some time, Ethel seems to have developed a shopping problem, so, when Silas is threatened by anaphylactic shock and an untimely death, she goes to buy DVDs.
No, wait - she didn't go to buy DVDs. She went to buy Benadryl, as my eldest son Floyd, the ER nurse, told her to get Benadryl (I don't understand 'em, folks - I just marry 'em, and sire 'em). Seems that this is a "bark scorpion" (that's a question-begging name, if I ever heard one. First off, you'd think that it means that they live in tree bark - but we don't HAVE trees with bark, not really. So why call 'em "bark" scorpions? Do they make a noise?) and that they are quite dangerous to small children (Silas is about 6'3, with feet the size of milk jugs; but he's Ethel's baby boy, I suppose).
Then I had to hear all of the drama - how Silas was attacked by the giant mutant killer ninja scorpion while in the innocent act of putting on his bathrobe (there's another thing; it's june in Arizona, and Silas is wearing a full-length thick fleece bathrobe. Covered with pictures of polar bears. "Why would you want a normal family, Jim?") and he yelped for help - Ethel ran in and saw the scorpion, and killed it.
How, you ask? Did you ask me how my wife killed the scorpion? What did my wife use to kill a two-inch long bark scorpion?
She used a Ninja sword.
A DULL Ninja sword.
(No, I'm not about to entertain any questions from the press about why my wife is walking around the house with a dull Ninja sword. I'm sure that the answers would only cause more questions, and then we'd never get out of here).
Now, having dispatched this hellbeast with the tools of a Samurai, and hurtling at high speed towards the nearest retail outlet because of the medical emergency, what does Ethel decide to decree as Her Next Step?
"I'm getting a cat."
Yeah - we've got about two hundred pounds of dog, so you're gonna get a cat? Why is that?
"Because cat's kill scorpions".
Ethel, Ethel, Ethel - cat's don't go out and hunt down scorpions. I'm willing to stipulate - for the sake of argument - that a cat, were it to be in the vicinity of a scorpion, might indeed kill it (although I'm forced to admit that it's unlikely. Mostly cats sleep, except when they are pooping in boxes and waiting for us to scoop it out. Sometimes cats hunt mice - but mice are cute, and cats kill them because cats can't stand for anything to be cute. I suspect that a cat might, actually, consider a scorpion an ALLY, rather than an enemy, since both species have only contempt for humans; I suspect that both species were actually created by the Devil) - anyway, a cat MIGHT kill a scorpion, if the cat were to see the scorpion.
But no cat is about to prowl all 2800 square feet of carpet and tile (plus attached cabinetry and any bathrobes that might be laying on the floor) in order to FIND a scorpion in order to kill it. That's way, way too ambitious for a creature who can't be troubled to go outside to spray urine and feces.
So, when I say to Ethel, "no cat will be able to patrol this whole house for scorpions" - what do you suppose she said?
"Okay, we'll get a LOT of cats".
Friend, I must admit - I can't tell you why I would like to have a normal family. I'm not sure that I would know a normal family if I saw one.
All of your comments about cats are true if applied to male cats. Female cats will actively hunt, kill and drag home anything smaller and slower than they are. Male cats will sleep, lick themselves and poop. I make no comparisons between cats and humans and ask you to refrain from them as well.
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There's something to be admired about a woman who, upon hearing that her man child is in danger, grabs upon a ninja sword and enters the battle.
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Why would you want a 'normal' family...my goodness you all are so funny. My son was LOOKING for scorpions this weekend. I wasn't in the vicinity to take him to Wal-Mart for a benedryl treatment if he got stung.
As far as cats go......DON'T do it Ethel. My German Shorthair pointer was better at finding mice than my cat! However, the mice left when they smelled we had a cat so the dog was off the hook. I think I'd leave if I smelled a cat too. I only feel this way because of the one dumb cat we have....Bette is her name (Yes Jim, the other cat IS the smart one). I keep asking Bette to go play in the street but she's not listening. A good cat is hard to find (yes Jim, there are good cats!) and it takes about 10 before you get a good one. Not very good odds.
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I beg to differ with "Jerry in God's country"...our MALE cat is the hunter and has brought back a full-size jack rabbit - we kid that someday he'll probably drag home a coyote. Just for the record, though, while he has brought us home snakes, lizards, various birds and really large bugs, he has NEVER brought home a scorpion, so I'm thinking he may be too smart for that.
We have all kinds of scorpions on our place here in Sedona and our bug guy (spraying is a wonderful thing...makes the little critters DIE, so all you have to do is worry about NOT STEPPING on them) told me that bark scorpions are the most common scorpions around these parts, and while their original habitat was dead trees (and the bark found there), they will collect outside anywhere that has stuff to hide UNDER...he said wood piles, debris, old building materials are ideal locations.
Now, let's face it...any righteous country-dweller has to have at least ONE of those piles somewhere on the premises -- I think it's in the small print of our redneck paperwork (oh, but maybe I'm the only redneck in the crowd...)...even if you don't have a pile, you probably have some amount of dead tree stuff...so they'll find a place to gather.
If Ethel really like the ninja sword wielding, she and Silas could go on a scorpion HUNT in the yard...that might be good for another post on the blog. ;)
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