This morning, I heard one of the nicest things that I've heard in a long time.

A co-worker asked me how I was doing, and I said something along the lines of "Oh, not so well - got some things troubling me. What can I do for you?"

He said "Huh? Really? Gee, that's hard to imagine - I mean, you're one of the most 'up' people that I know. I've never seen you in a down mood."

Now, that might be simple selective forgettery on his part, but it sounds great to these ears; to think that I can be as miserable as I've been for as long as I've been, and that my co-workers are unaware of it, might mean that I've learned a little something about keeping my big mouth shut.

Same sort of thing happened last Thursday - I was iChatting with a coworker, and I had to ask him "gee, I've had a rough day - have you noticed me being down or abrasive today?" and he said "no - not at all. If anything, I tend to think of you as being uplifting to those around you".

Now, I wake up in the mornings with buzzards on my bedpost; I go to bed at night aware that I'm one day closer to death and deeper in the financial hole that I've been digging since leaving Utah.  My drive in was an hour; my drive home will only be quicker than that because I'll be staying for a meeting until after the freeways clear. While not actively suicidal, I wouldn't mind being taken out by a tornado or a serial killer. My health and physical plant are failing me, and when I speak at meetings, I feel like I ought to include a disclaimer:"the opinions expressed here are given with no guarantees, as the speaker has such a poor connection with his Higher Power that he has made nothing but bad decisions for four years."

But my co-workers aren't aware that, whenever I stop actively thinking about work, I wind up wishing that I could close my eyes and wake up four years ago, or that twenty times a day I tell myself "I give up. I don't want to do anything else, at all, ever."

Instead, they are thinking that I'm doing well, and they find joy in that. That means that I'm being useful to somebody; that I'm adding something to life, rather than sucking the joy out of a room as soon as I enter (which is sort of what I feel like).

Good thing that I've got a sponsor and close e-friends who are long-suffering indeed, or the strain might make my head explode. (That'd be you folks :)