Right there it lay - in the daily mail, in between the local free press papers and the coupons from Safeway. Its very existence shouts that I do not belong in East, East California (also known as Scott$dale) - I am a wanderer, far from my home, and I want to return to someplace where things like this don't happen.

Yep - they've sent me a discount coupon for Vaginal Reconstructive and Cosmetic Surgery. I can get $100 off on any procedure, and a $500 discount if I get two of them. (I don't know if I have to get them done at the same time, or if I just have to have them both scheduled and paid for - that's an important question, when it comes down to scheduling one's vaginal surgeries, to make sure that you've got sufficient recovery time; there's nothing more painful than an unrecovered vagina).

It seems like a reputable firm - it's named "Aussie Makeovers" (because they do their work down under. No, I'm not kidding. As Dave Barry would say, "I Swear I Am Not Making This Up." I don't believe that I have that capability.) They have special deals for G-Spot Hot Shots or some such.

I'm not sure which idea I find the most staggering -  it's hard for me to get around my brain that

• there would be a need for such surgery, or that
• there would be anyone willing to market their services, or that
• they would advertise in bulk mail. 

And the whole thing, of course, leaves me feeling very insecure - if it is possible for a women to require "vaginal reconstruction", then doesn't the fact that Kim DOESN'T need it imply that I'm somehow not doing my job?

And "vaginal COSMETIC surgery" - you mean that there are folks walking around looking?  I didn't know that you were supposed to look at them - nor do I know how they are SUPPOSED to look; maybe those few that I've seen were all wrong.

(This whole notion leaves me with a mental image of women sitting on mirrors and saying to themselves, "Yep - time to call Aussie Makeovers". The next thought involves the idea of Vaginal Surgery Spas, with women lounging around with cucumber slices over their - oh, I can't say it...)

And this whole thing simply would not even come up at other places that I've lived. it's darn hard to imagine somebody at the Lacon Swap Meet in Cullman, Alabama saying "Yeah, I traded in that ol' Chevy truck fer a new Dodge Ram - they gave me a big rebate, and they threw in a free vagina-lift for Lawanda!"

And then, of course, there's Utah - now, I would imagine that, if anybody would be a candidate for vaginal reconstructive surgery, it would be an older Mormon lady with eighteen kids; but if there's anybody who would never even consider considering such a thing, it would be an older Mormon lady with eighteen kids.

I wanna go home. I wanna go back where folks would hear about something like this, and laugh, and assume that it's a joke. But - just like Mr. Barry - "I swear I am not making this up".

But I wish I was making this up. Then I'd feel like somebody with real creativity and imagination - either that, or severe emotional or mental disorders....

Mama, swelp me, I'm coming home...